Elijah's 2!

Two years ago today Ronnie and I welcomed Elijah into our little family. He has made sure that there are no dull moments since his arrival. His personality is huge; he is happy, curious and independent. He is determined and refuses to give up when there is something he wants to do. His laugh is contagious and he loves to be tickled. He answers most questions with a head shake of "yes" or "no." Sometimes the answer doesn't match up, but he's already going one way and refuses to change direction. Recently, his vocabulary has started to become more easy to understand and he is quite a funny little man.

Elijah stays with my grandma Jackie while I work and he just loves her. She had the idea to have him a birthday party today like Ethan had at daycare, so we celebrated this evening. Turns out that this will be the only party he has this weekend as Ronnie's grandmother passed this morning and we'll be with family tomorrow.

Elijah loves Gram Jackie so very much!

Grandma had macaroni and cheese, baked beans, tortilla chips with cheese and of course, cupcakes! We couldn't keep him off the table because he wanted to guard them from Ethan. I'm sure he had plans to sneak a few as well.

We finally decided to get his own TWO cupcakes ready with candles when everything was almost ready and the little sneak kept swiping icing.

We lit his candles, but before we could start singing he blew them out. So I lit them again. This time I couldn't get to the camera before he blew them out again. I lit them again. He blew them out. All I wanted was a decent picture! Finally on the fourth time I got what I wanted.

After we ate it was time to open the presents that Grandma and Ezra gave him. He was very serious about his unwrapping duties. After he tore the paper off, he would wad it up, hand it to me and tell me "trash."

He got a car, a coloring book and crayons. He was very excited and was nice enough to share. I'm so thankful Grandma was able to do this for him and that she takes such great care of the boys when she has them.

Later we went to Pizza Hut with my brother and his wife. We had a great time and Elijah was our entertainment. He made eyes with a girl on a date and when asked if he was flirting, he put on his sweet face and shook his head "yes." After the meal he started walking around and we convinced him to "shake his booty" for us. But the funniest thing was when he took the baskets that the breadsticks were in and decided that they were hats. It was cute when he put one on, but he insisted that I wear one as well. He held it out and said "Hat. On." We were so cute!

Then we went to Wal-Mart and let him pick out his birthday present because Mama's been busy and hadn't gotten him anything yet. Oops.

I love you, Elijah. I hope you had a great birthday. Happy birthday, my little stinker!

What I Learned About Life From Cows

Mornings at the Kidd house are usually hectic. It seems that no matter how much prep I do the night before, I still end up leaving the house with little to no time to spare. I wake my night owl of a husband and then get myself completely ready before I even think about waking the three little people. By the time I get out of the shower Ronnie is usually gone and I'm left to wrangle the boys into their clothes, make sure they have all the need for the day, get them to the car and strapped into the car seats. All while dealing with any meltdowns that come my way. Many days I am flustered or frustrated by the time I leave the drive. I often think of how nice it would be to be a stay at home mom and have a leisurely morning routine, making nutritious breakfasts and snuggling little bodies as they wake up to each new day. But let's be honest. I am not cut out for that life. I need to go out and work in order to keep myself sane. It's better for everyone if I go to work everyday.

A few months ago I noticed something that made me think. Since we live in the middle of nowhere I have a nice little country drive each morning that includes several farms and pastures. On one stretch there are cow pastures on each side of the road and many days when I get to the end of these pastures there are cows standing in each field just looking at each other. There are several on each side and they're just standing there. I imagine they're thinking, "if I could just get over to that pasture, my life would be great." Isn't that what we do? Continuously think that if we just had this or just did that then our life would be perfect. If I had a job where I made this amount of money, if I weighed X, if my kids behaved like this, if, if, if.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but from where I drive between those pastures there isn't much of a difference between the sides. The grass is thin, the fields are mushy and muddy from all the rain and there are several cow pies to avoid. No matter which side of the road those cows are on life will be the same. We've all heard the saying "the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence." And its true. We have our life to live and we don't need to waste our time thinking of the ifs and desiring what's on the other side. God has given us what we have and its our responsibility to enjoy our blessings.

When I'm a grumpy, frazzled mother driving my mommy mobile to all my various stops, I find it amazing that God shows me a life lesson in the cows on the side of the road.

Its A Tough Job

But somebody has to do it. What's tough? Being a mother is. That's what.

When the kids are happy, the house is clean, everyone is sharing and having fun life is great. Those times are wonderful, but let's face it, those times are not everyday. There are days like the ones I've had this week: one kid has a case of the sniffles and whines, one has a temperature of 102 and just lies on the couch dozing and another has a temperature of 104 with a little whimper. And they all want their mama. This scene is tough, but when the latter two carry their parts over to 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning, things get a little tougher.

This week has been one for sickness at the Kidd house. Sunday morning Ethan began complaining that his ear hurt. I was ready to head to urgent care, but Ronnie had me wait it out. So I did. That afternoon I got him some ear drops and he responded well. He's only had a runny nose the rest of the week. But at the same time Ezra developed a little cough like the one right before Christmas when he had bronchiolitis. Then Monday he started running a fever, but he did better during the day on Tuesday when Elijah started running a fever. Tuesday night was tough as both Elijah and Ezra were running temps of 102+ and we kept up with meds and warm sponge baths. Wednesday morning we had a decision to make: who was going to take care of two sick babies and take them to the doctor. I couldn't because it was one of those rare days that I had to be at work. So Ronnie decided to stay home. But he didn't take them to the doctor because he felt that they were getting better. That evening it was apparent that Elijah was better, but Ezra was worse. At 3 in the morning we knew that he needed to see a doctor that day and he only continued to run a high temperature throughout the day. Grandma said his fever broke around 3 that afternoon and his appointment was at 5. Turns out he has a bad ear infection in one ear and the beginnings of one in his other ear.

While it was tough to deal with all the sickness, it was tougher to make the decision about when to go to the doctor. I don't want to be one of the parents that runs to the pediatrician with every sniffle, but I also don't want to be the parent that lets my child suffer because I didn't think he needed to go to the doctor. Sometimes its not so cut and dry. So, like I said, its a tough job, but I'm the one that gets to do it.

Diagnosed

Ronnie was the good husband yesterday. He called my OB office to make me an appointment since I couldn't do it while I was at work. He called me during my planning to tell me that when he told the receptionist that he thought I have PPD she put him through to talk to a nurse. She really wanted to talk to me, but said that she would talk to the doctor and see what he had to say. We hung up while we waited on her to call him back. A little while later he called to say that the doctor's schedule was booked, but that he wanted to see me today and could work me in at 4.15. Since school doesn't get out until 4 these days I arranged a sub and left at 12.15.

I went home to chill for a bit, but I was just nervous. I didn't want to go to the doctor. I didn't want to admit that there was something wrong. I didn't want to say that I couldn't handle my life.

I was so worried that Ronnie wouldn't make it home in time to go with me. But he finally called and told me he was on the way home and that he could go with me.

On the way to the office I tried to analyze the situation in a way to let Ronnie know that there was nothing wrong, but being the supporter he is, I got no sympathy. He told me that this had gone on long enough and that we were gonna get help.

If he hadn't been at the office with me I would have left three times. At least. If I had been there alone I believe I would have gotten up and just walked out. I didn't want to let anyone know that I needed help.

The doctor came in and asked some questions. Some were difficult to answer. Admitting your innermost thoughts is hard to do. But I'm so thankful that Ronnie was there. He validated my answers and answered the ones I couldn't. His presence kept me from breaking down in tears right there on the table. It was hard for me to sit there, but I can only imagine how it made him feel to see the one person he loves more than anything sitting there, hands tucked underneath her to hide the shaking, rocking back and forth and swinging her legs with her head hung. I must have been a sad sight.

But we talked with the doctor and decided on a medication. And I have to go back in two weeks for a check up. Things are going to get better. I'm going to be me again. And we will get through it together. We will get through postpartum depression.

On the way home the song "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton played on the radio. The lyrics seemed to fit us at the moment:

I've been a walking heartache

I've made a mess of me

The person that I've been lately

Ain't who I want to be

But you stay here right beside me

And watch as the storm blows through

And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me your for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

Happy Birthday

Today was Ethan's 5th birthday. My first baby is five. How did that happen? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was pregnant with him and here he is, a big boy. I have to call him my big boy because he refuses to let me call him my little man. I think he had a pretty great day.We invited Brandon and Daniela and Gram Jackie over for his birthday dinner. He wanted pancakes...so pancakes he got! A special one for him...

Then it was time for his birthday whoopin'. Daddy looks so serious!

He got to open his present...a game for his new innotab from Christmas.

And brother gave him some pointers on how to play it.

I had him answer a series of questions this evening and I posted them and his answers below. Some of the answers made me smile.

Happy birthday, my love. I'll always love you!

1. What is your favorite color? Three; blue, green, red.

2. What is your favorite toy? My tablet.

3. What is your favorite fruit? Apple.

4. What is your favorite tv show? Spiderman.

5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Jelly sandwich.

6. What is your favorite outfit? Spiderman costume.

7. What is your favorite game? Toy Story on innotab.

8. What is your favorite snack? Dinosaur sandwich.

9. What is your favorite animal? Dinosaur.

10. What is your favorite song? Three Men On A Mountain.

11. What is your favorite book? Toy Story.

12. Who is your best friend? Van, Logan, Tate, Blake.

13. What is your favorite cereal? Every cereal.

14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Play with toys and play in the sand.

15. What is your favorite drink? Orange juice and tea.

16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas and Valentine's.

17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? My tablet and my Transformers.

18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? 5 pancake.

19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Pancakes.

20. What do you want to be when you grow up? Firefighter (said "firedafighter) like Daddy.

A New Year

I rang in the new year sleeping in my bed with my arms wrapped around Elijah, Ethan laying beside him and Ezra in the bassinet on my other side. It was nice.

I was supposed to be at church for our New Year's service. I had been there. But I left. Why? I snapped. Ronnie had left before me while I was waiting on my pie to finish. It didn't matter that I was late as it was a "come when you can, leave when you have to" kind of deal. So I waited on the pie and loaded up all three boys and what seemed like a suitcase full of toys to hopefully entertain them through the night. We got to church and tried not to make too much noise as we settled in. Everything was fine for a little bit. Then Elijah got restless and started moving around. Then Ezra got fussy. I took him out, calmed him down and went back. Then Elijah was really moving around, like to different parts of the church, and not staying at either place very long. When he got close enough I grabbed him and took him out. While I was with him I could hear Ezra screaming inside with my sister-in-law. We went back in and Elijah started whining/screaming again and Ezra only got louder. I had had all that I could take. I felt like everything was closing in on me, it was getting harder to breathe, I felt that their cries were getting louder and all the eyes that I believed were focusing on me. In my mind everyone was criticizing me; thoughts of "she can't handle those kids," and "if she would shut those kids up we could enjoy the service," raced through my head. It seemed like it took me forever to get three coats on three crying, wiggling bodies and I could make my getaway. We got out and started home. My anger and irritation eased on the short drive home and I was glad to be home snuggled with the boys. But I was upset that I had lost it in front of others.

I've "lost it" several times at home, but I had lost it in front of other people. Ronnie knows what I'm like and what I go through, but I tend to think that I put forward a good face to others. Not that I pretend to be something I'm not; I just don't want to drag other people down or complain when there's nothing that those people can do. No matter how bad I feel I try to be a pleasant person to be around.

Episodes like the one I described have been happening a lot for me. I get irritated easily. I get very angry real quickly. I cry for no reason. I have intrusive thoughts that I don't like. I don't like being alone, but I don't want to be social. All of this has made it difficult to live my normal life. Because of these things I have created problems in my relationship with Ronnie. Almost to the point that I was ready to leave him and I have always been the type that refuses to believe that divorce is even an option. I've had problems with going to work because I don't want to be responsible for myself, let alone the education of my students, and I didn't want to leave my kids for fear of what could happen while we were separated.

I've said all of this to say that after serious discussion Ronnie and I have decided that I need to see a doctor. We feel that I probably have postpartum depression. I don't like to say that, but it just seems like that's the problem that I'm having. I've done some research and I really want to get better so we're going to see what can be done. According to postpartumprogress.com there are six stages to PPD. I've gone through 1-4, denial, anger, bargaining and depression (sometimes I regress back to them) and right now feel that I'm in stage 5 - Acceptance. I get that there is something wrong with me and I want it fixed. I want to be the wife, mother, friend that I know I am.

It's a new year and I want to be me. A new me than I've been the last few months. I want 2012 to be a great year; not a year where I am angry and unsociable. I want to enjoy the time that God has given me to be with my family and not wish it away. I want to be happy.

Happy New Year.