To my baby

There are so many thoughts racing through my mind. Life is going crazy right now, but I want to take a moment to write a little note to my baby to let him know how loved he is.

Dear sweet boy,
It is true...you were a surprise. A very welcome one, but a surprise nonetheless. There has never been a moment since we found out about you that we didn't want you. Once your impending arrival was made known, you were loved. And you will always be loved.
It is also true that this has not been an easy pregnancy. I thought to take a test because I felt pretty rough, tired and moody. The tiredness has not gone away. I have felt the effects of exhaustion since December...it's June now. But I love you and that's what keeps me going.
Then when we found out you were a boy, we also found out that I have fibroids. The doctor explained that I am at increased risk of preterm labor and that they may grow quickly and get in the way of a normal delivery. My concern was and is you...I want you to have all the room you need. And for your arrival to go smoothly. I was told that there would be another ultrasound at around 30 weeks.
Two weeks ago I had my second glucola test. It was nasty and made me feel pretty bad. My blood pressure went too high, but the doctor said it was probably just the test and didn't get too concerned. Your daddy called the office last week and they told him that I had passed the test. Yay! I was very happy because it meant that you wouldn't have to have your heels pricked so much once you get here. And maybe you wouldn't be too big. Both good things. But I got a message yesterday to call the doctor. I did, but they didn't return the call. So I knew I would get "the talk" at the office when I went in today. Daddy went with me because we were getting to see you in another ultrasound. The technician is such a sweet lady and she told us so much. First, she told me that you are breech. I wasn't concerned, but she told me I need to do all I can to turn you...even get on my hands and knees with my bum in the air as often as I can. I may look silly, but I'll do it for you. This also explains why it feels like you're trying to kick your way out. She also told me that your fluid is low. It's not that bad, but these things make me worry since I really want everything to be ok for you. She showed you to us and we oohed and ahhed. We think you look like your brothers, which isn't a bad thing. You were trying to get comfy and you smacked your little lips together in the cutest way. It made me realize how badly I can't wait for you to get here so I can hold you and get lost in that baby face! Then we went to see the doctor. My blood pressure was high, again. And I got the talk I feared. He told me that I failed the glucose test. Just great. So he wanted to schedule me for a three hour test, but I convinced him to let me monitor my levels for a week and we would go from there. Whew. Then he told me that you are big. How big? You weigh 4 pounds and 5 ounces. A lot more than you should right now. That puts you two weeks ahead of where you should be. So I may get to see your handsome face sooner than August 16th.
Tonight I am frustrated because I don't want to deal with all of this. And your biggest brother has been a challenge. And your big brother was so tired by the time I got home that I didn't get to see him much. I just had to get it all out, to get it off my chest. God and I will talk about it before I go to sleep, but I wanted to write it down so I won't forget it. I want you to know the things that happened before you got here and I know my memory won't hold up that long. But the most important thing is that you know that you are loved. And I can guarantee that will never change. Love you Baby! Love, Mama

Happiness Revealed!

So I'll be the first to admit that I have been more than a little slack with my blogging as of late. I keep telling myself that I'll do better. I think I even made it a resolution, but you know how those go. I think it's time that I come clean on my little 'ol blog so I thought I would share a story of surprising happiness with you all. Go back to Christmas. Remember all the good things...the smells of cookies and favorite meals, the taste of hot chocolate, staying up late wrapping gifts, shopping like a mad person, snuggling with the ones you love. Ahhhh.... Well, I looked forward to the holidays so much this year! I was too excited as we would be a family of four and we would celebrate Elijah's first Christmas with us! But I was exhausted. Not just tired at the end of the day, but dragging myself out of bed, needing a nap, going to bed early exhausted. I couldn't figure out why. It had just hit me within the last month or so and I couldn't get over it. The whole first week of break from school all I could do was sleep. I took as many naps as Elijah did that week. On December 23, Ethan and I had a little talk. He informed me that he needed a little sister. I guess he could ask for one...it was Christmas after all. I asked him where we would find one of those. His response shocked me. He told me that she was in my belly. What?!?! Then I thought about some personal things and realized that my lovely firstborn may be onto something. On Christmas Eve Ronnie had to leave for work at 3am. I had snuck a pregnancy test at Wal-Mart the day before and was about to burst when Ronnie got up to leave. I don't know why, but I just didn't want him to be there when I took the test. I guess I didn't want him to think I was crazy when it was negative. But I didn't think about what would happen if it was indeed positive. Any who...Ronnie left, I peed, and I think that little stick turned positive before Ronnie pulled out of the drive. Oh my! We were going to have our 3rd baby!!! I went back to bed and had a million thoughts racing through my brain. This is what I came up with. I wrapped Ronnie a gift to open when he got home from work. And I swear I got my most favorite picture of my husband when he finally realized what those two pink lines meant! So, our little "Pumpkin" was confirmed and we had an ultrasound in March. This is the little person that will be joining our family in August! And I'm still going to be able to say, "my boys" because this is boy #3! We're so thrilled!

Ok, so it's after 9.30, I'm exhausted (still) and Ethan is whining so I'm going to stop rambling and go my huge preggo tail to bed. Goodnight all!

I discovered that I'm a perfectionist!

Yep. You read the title correctly! And if you know me personally, you're sitting there with a quizzical look on your face wondering how in the world I could ever be classified as a perfectionist. I understand your confusion, but I really think that I'm onto something here, so please, allow me to explain. I have so many ideas and thoughts flying through my brain at any second that most of the time even I can't keep up with myself. I have big plans for EVERYTHING! I want to do so many things...exercise, eat right, cook nice meals for my family, clean my house and keep it tidy, play with my kids, spend time with my husband, visit friends, read, landscape my yard, decorate my home, figure out our budget, craft (oh the many ideas I have!), take classes, photograph people and places, start a business so I can work at home and the list goes on and on and on and on! In my brain I should do each and every one of these things plus many more. And I know EXACTLY how they should be. I want everything to be just the way I picture it in my head! I want to already be skinny when I exercise (except for the pregnant part), I want to have a perfect kitchen with all the tools I need, I want my house decorated perfectly and just update it here and there, I want to be the greatest photographer, I want our budget to work out precisely. But. None. Of. This. Is. Realistic. There, I said it. It's just not realistic. My goals are grand, but they're not realistic for me. Right now. I want to be perfect, but I'm not. (Close, but that only counts in horseshoes and grenades, right?) I must realize that I absolutely cannot do it all and do it all perfectly. I struggle with this all the time. I just had a wonderful week off of work for Spring Break and barely made it through 1/3 of the items on my to do list. Then I got mad at myself. What was so wrong with me that I couldn't get all of that done in 9 days? Why could I not just get it done? Why did I waste so much time? I have thought and thought. I got closer to getting depressed. Which then made me wonder why I couldn't handle myself. Ugh. I got in a weird funk. And I didn't like it. But then it hit me! I've been reading so many things to help me do some of those things I mentioned earlier. Dave Ramsey for budgeting. Flylady for cleaning. House of Smith for decorating. Kelle Hampton and others for photography. And various sites for recipes and craft ideas. They all have something in common: baby steps. Baby steps. Start where you are. Now there's an idea. No one can do it all. Each one of us has to do everything a little at a time. I have to stop beating myself up for not doing it all. I do plenty. I get up each day...a huge blessing from God. I have the privilege of getting my two darling boys up, ready and to their caretakers. I work at a job I chose with people that I love. I go home to a wonderful family. I cook for them. I wash their dirty clothes. I feed them. I wash dirty little bodies. I nurture another precious soul growing inside of me. I do so much so how can I compare myself to those that I think have it all together. I juggle. And there are balls that get dropped. I don't have a spotless home. It's very lived in. Sometimes I wash the clothes the night before and dry them the morning that we wear them. Sometimes I only make a pot of macaroni for supper. Sometimes I have to ignore a child in order to get something else done. But I'm juggling. The balls that I drop don't always stay on the ground. They rotate. I pick one up and do ok for awhile before I drop another. And the process continues. I feel so much better after getting all these thoughts out of my head. I picked up the blog ball...hopefully it won't drop anytime soon. So tell me, what ball do you drop? How do you cope with not being able to do it all? I know I'm not the only one.

Mama Bear Syndrome

As I sit here typing I can hear Elijah napping in his crib. It's a good sound, but a sound I've heard too much this year. Before you call me crazy, let me explain. His breathing sounds pitiful. He's congested and I can hear it, plus there's a sad little cough that comes into play every so often.

I got to Gram Jackie's yesterday to pick him up and his cheeks were way past rosy red, his whole body was hot to the touch, he wasn't playing and since he had been tugging at his ears for a few days I knew the familiarity of the situation all too well....another ear infection. The fourth one this year. He had one at the beginning of January, and as soon as he finished the anitbiotic for it he developed (or had a recurrence) another one. Less than two weeks later he was fighting RSV and his third double ear infection. The kid has had too many antibiotics and too many nebulizer treatments this year.

After I thought about what the weekend with a closed doctor's office would present, I decided to call the pediatritian to see if they could fit us in before they closed. I called, explained the sitution and was told that if I got there by 4.30 they would see my child. I was told this after telling the lady that I was 30 minutes away and it was already 4.05. So, the Mama Bear in this nice, non-confrontational girl came out. I snipped back, "What if I don't come and he gets worse this weekend?" I was told to take him to urgent care, to which I responded, "So I can pay three times as much as a doctor's appointment would cost?!" She asked if I was coming your not. I told her I would try, but that if I got there and they refused to see him that "I would be pissed at all the gas I wasted trying to get there." I'm telling you this about Mama Bear Syndrome: you don't want to be on the receiving end of it. What is this syndrome of which I speak? It's when a normally easy going, roll with the punches mother feels that the welfare of her child is being threatened. Like when one sees a cuddly little bear cub in the woods and starts to ooh and ahh, but then here comes a burly mama out of the woods ready to clobber anyone who even looks like he may cause issues for her dear cub. You don't mess with my babies. Period. I drove like a bat out of Hades, way faster than I should have gone through a construction zone (I didn't see any workers and I was paying careful attention), got to my exit and made it to the first stoplight with just enough time to find that traffic was backed up all the way to the office. I wasn't going to make it. I started to cry...the ugly cry. I know the guy on the opposite side of the road was thinking that I had lost my mind, but I didn't care. I had let my baby down. He wasn't feeling well and I couldn't get him what he needed. I felt like a failure. After several light changes, and way after 4.30 I pulled in the parking lot, got out to get Elijah, but changed my mind after finding him sleeping peacefully. I thought, "Screw it. I'm going home. I can take care of my baby and I'll get him care this weekend if he doesn't get any better." I pulled out of the parking lot. But Mama Bear came roaring back at the stop light and I thought to myself, "you're going to take your child in there and if they don't see him you're gonna tell them it was nice doing business with them, but if they don't care about your child, you don't care to patronize their office." I'm telling you, without Mama Bear I would never have the balls to do that.

To wrap up what really seemed like a short story, but has gone on forever now, we went in the office and no one acted like I was inconveniencing them at all. I made sure the receptionist knew it was after my deadline only to find it was no big deal. I paid, the nurse weighed my growing Little Man (over 23 pounds!) and we waited on the doctor. When he said the first ear was clear I started to feel like I had gone through all of this for nothing, but the other ear was starting to look rough so I felt validated. So here we are on the fourth round of antibiotics and hunkering down inside on this windy Saturday.

I know I'm not alone. Who else has had a Mama Bear Syndrome moment? According to Feedjit, I've had several new readers and I'm excited to hear from you!

Have a wonderful weekend! Share it with the ones you love!

Renee!

And just one more post for a special person!

My friend, my buddy, my pal! RENEE!

A year ago I was extremely pregnant and went on maternity leave during exams. While I was gone a new English teacher was hired in my building. I wasn't sure what to think about her. I heard she was young and a very good teacher. I hoped that she would be half-way normal and that I would be able to get along with her.

I went back to school in April, right after Spring Break. The first few days were a blur, but I slowly got to know things about this new chick. As it turned out, she's only a year older than me, our husbands are about the same age, and we each have two sons. I eventually found out that she has a blog, she likes to scrapbook and that we have lots of the same thoughts on several issues. A year later, I am glad to call Renee a friend. And I want to wish her the happiest birthday yet! You deserve it girl! See you in the morning!

2011

Wow, that was fast! I guess I'm on a roll while I should be fixing some grub for my family, but I'll get to them eventually.

Since the new year started I've been thinking a lot about things that I want to accomplish this year. I don't want to lose weight or make any of those goals that never get past January. I want to do other things. I want to be a better person. The things that I want to accomplish will help me become a better Melissa, I hope. Not that I'm a bad person, but I'm not perfect yet, so there's still room for improvement.

I want to be a better Christian. I want to pray more, read my Bible through and attend church regularly. I've slacked on these things recently so this will take some work. But the good news is that God is on my side and I think He approves these goals and will be more than willing to help me!

I want to be a better wife. Of course I'm already so close to perfect in this aspect that it will be difficult to improve, but I know there are days that I could do a little more for the wonderful husband that I have. I asked Ronnie what I could do, and in his I'm-giving-the-only-answer-that-won't-land-me-in-the-doghouse way, he told me he can't think of anything more that I could do for him. Yeah. I bet. Just kidding. We're pretty happy married folks, and to keep it that way I'm going to think twice before I say the wrong things and jump at more opportunities to make him a happily married man.

I want to be a better mother. I feel that this gets harder and easier at the same time. The longer I have my children the better I understand what I'm doing, which helps, but with more children comes more responsibility and I feel like I still struggle to give both boys all the attention they each need. And this will only become more of an issue as time goes on.

I think that's about it for now. A little person has attacked me and I think I'm getting hungry enough to scrounge up some vittles.

Yes, I Am Still Alive

Wow! It seems like Halloween was only yesterday! So much has happened so I am WAY behind in the blogging world! I apologize to each of my readers...especially the ones who sent me messages asking when I was going to update. But the good news is that I am back. And hopefully I won't disappear like that again.

Here's a quick recap of what has happened (and things I need to blog about) in the past few months.

November: My brother got married at the beginning of the month and then my little family enjoyed our Thanksgiving.

December: District Beta Convention was a success, I sprained my ankle, and Christmas was one of the best yet!

January: Ethan has had a birthday and we've been snowed in excessively!

Be on the lookout for more posts from yours truly!