Thirty by 30: Frustrated!

I just need to vent for a minute. Please bear with me.

I've never been skinny. I got to my lowest weight during my sophomore year of college...I thought I looked great and I felt great. Looking back, I was probably too small. Me as a size 8(!) just isn't attractive...probably because I have a big head. Anyways, I don't want to be skinny. It's not me. I want to look healthy. I'm being realistic. I want to lose (most of) this tummy that I've accumulated and tone up the rest of my body. I don't think that's too far fetched. I'm not even sure what weight I'd like to see on the scale. I know it's less than where I am now, but there's no concrete number that I think is magical and will cause me to be happy. I'm not like that. I understand that me losing weight is more about being healthy than trying to look like a model.

But dang it! I'm upset! I hadn't weighed in for a while so I thought it would be a good time to do so. I expected to be right around what I weighed last time, give or take a pound or so. But, no! I have gained over SIX stinkin' pounds! That hit me hard! It means that I'm only nine pounds less than I was when I had Melia. I'm mad! I know I'm probably overreacting, but I really didn't think I had done that poorly lately. I got upset with Ronnie about it and he, being a smart man, said nothing. He knew I needed to get my thoughts out there without interruption. I even called my dad to make sure there was nothing wrong with their scales. No such luck.

So where am I now and where am I going? Ronnie talked to me later last night and told me how proud he was of what I had done so far. He gave me encouragement to keep going because I had been trying too hard to just quit. And he reminded me that my hips are starting to hurt less since I've been exercising more. So, as I wrote out my goals for the week last night, I wrote down exercise five days. I can do that. Maybe I won't see the scale move for awhile, but maybe I'll continue to feel better and look more healthy.   

Amazing

This evening I had been in the kitchen washing dishes and starting supper, when I looked out front and saw the most amazing sky I have seen in a while. Hope you enjoy, even though this doesn't capture how amazing it was.

30 by Thirty Update

Sooooooooooooooo. I haven't really done too great with the whole losing thirty pounds by my thirtieth birthday.

Back when I first mentioned it, it seemed like an easily attainable goal. But then we had birthday parties, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and it got too cold to go outside to walk. So. Yeah. I didn't really do too great.

And it's all my fault. I'd eat right and do some time on the treadmill for a day or two, but then I'd quit before I really got going. I just couldn't get motivated.

But I'm back. And I'm probably not going to lose the whole 30 by my birthday, but I can still work on losing after it. I've made Ronnie promise to help me get my workouts in every day, and so far he hasn't let me down. Even when I beg not to, or complain about how bad it hurts and that I'm dying in the midst of the workout, he won't let me quit. Love is strange like that. He makes me do this, but I love him for it. I've finished 3 whole level 1 workouts of the 30 day shred. That's more than I've ever done and I wouldn't have done it without the supportive meanie telling me I had to do it.

We took before pictures before my third workout today. (Don't worry. I'm not posting them. And I probably won't ever. Unless I get really skinny and have an awesome after to post with them.) I'm really going to try to finish out the 30 days and see how much of a difference there is. I'll try to post periodic updates, with one after I finish (I hope!)

Like I said, I've done three days of level 1 and right now I feel like poo! I hurt in so many places it's not funny. Oddly, it doesn't hurt as bad as when I've done one day and quit in the past. Maybe there's something to be said about continuing on. I suck at push-ups. My goal right now is to do 10 each time, but that's not easy. And I do the modification. I also suck at jumping jacks, jump rope and butt kicks. I just have so much that bounces. But I'm getting better at them. I can already tell my endurance is improving. I'm giving it my all on the ab part of the circuit. Four kids have done a number on that area. It needs all the help it can get. I think that is all for now. I'll try to update again in a few days. I can't wait to be on level 2. I say that now, but I'll probably hate it when I get there. Oh well. Until next time...

better

It has been a little more difficult than I had thought it would be to pick a word for 2014. Last year's came rather easily, but this year's...not so much. I have been thinking about it for a while. I talked it over with my husband and explained how no matter what word I came up with, it all boiled back down to faith. He agreed. So he didn't help too much.

Then yesterday, after I wrote my post wrapping up 2013's word, it came to me. Better. I want to do better in 2014. I struggle with wanting to do everything perfectly (and therefore not trying if I know I can't get it done right!) when all I really have to do is the best I can. So, my goal is to do better this year. Be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, daughter, Christian, person. I don't have to be perfect. I can't be. But I can be better than I am right now.

'Cause Ya Gotta Have Faith

At the end of 2012, I read about some bloggers who were choosing a word of the year for 2013. The idea was to pick one word that you could focus on for the year, rather than creating the traditional resolutions. I thought long and hard, and decided that my word for 2013 would be "faith."

I was struggling at the time and felt that if I decided to focus on my walk in faith that just maybe I'd get closer to God, closer to where I wanted to be.

You know they say not to pray for patience because things will happen that test your patience like never before. I'm finding that it happens like that with faith too.

Last year I said that we would need faith to make it through 2013, and I couldn't have been more correct. Just to sum up the big pieces: I quit my job in January, Ronnie had wisdom teeth surgery in February (had complications and he missed work), Ronnie and the kids got sick with flu and strep (he missed more work), we had a baby (perfectly healthy, Praise the Lord!), and in November, Ronnie quit his job.

We started out the year with some nervousness about going from two incomes to one, but we felt secure because we had saved up some money and got a surprisingly nice tax refund. I felt like I had stepped out on faith by quitting my teaching job, but I was still depending on what I had built up. I kept getting reminded that true faith is relying completely on God, not ourselves. I wasn't ready for that yet. Throughout the year, things went well, but it seemed as though our money was running out fast. Too fast for my comfort. We did all we could to keep our savings, but it eventually had to go. I was devastated. How could we make it on just the one income that had proven itself to not be enough? Thankfully Ronnie reminded me to not worry, to have faith.

I did my best to trust God. I would look at our bank account and stress, but then I'd remind myself that God is in control. I read and reread verses on faith. I continuously thought of Luke 1:37, For with God nothing shall be impossible. At times I believed it was impossible to pay our bills and buy food and gas, but there was always a way. One time in particular, we were low on funds and a friend of mine wanted a photo shoot. I went to her family and had a great time with them. At the end of the session she gave a small gift bag which included a rubber snake and a check. The check was more than I charge and definitely more than I would have ever asked her for. But you know what? That check was just enough to get us through to the next pay check. Isn't my God amazing?!

Around that time I realized that God was working on breaking me, making me realize that I need to get out of the way to let him work through me. About two weeks later, Ronnie quit his job.

If this had happened before this year, I would have flipped out. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, I cried, and started to wonder how we would make it. But I went back to the verses that had been bringing me comfort. Matthew 6:25-34.

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25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

Wow! Think how much more God loves us than the birds in the sky! That gets me every time! 

27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.

29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

He's talking to me...I'm the one of little faith. Jesus knew that I would need help trusting Him, and He told this story so that I could see that God won't forget about me. 

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

Why should I worry? God knows what I need before I need it!

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Trust God! And He will make sure you have all that you need!

34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Don't worry about tomorrow. You have enough today so why think about something that's not even here yet? You can handle tomorrow when it gets here.

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It's been almost two months and Ronnie doesn't have a job yet. I'm still not working, but you know what? We have more food in our pantry/freezer than we have in a while, we have clothes on our backs, we have paid most of our bills (and are working with the people on the other), and we're healthy. The amazing part, though, is that God has known our needs. He has spoken to others and they have listened and have helped us tremendously. Our bank account went into the negative unexpectedly and someone showed up with more than enough funds to get it back in the black. We didn't have the money to get our kids' Christmas, but someone paid our lay away. Plus others gave the kids small gifts. Our deacons and preacher decided to help us out without our asking. I went to pay our light bill only to find it had already been paid. Someone anonymously gave us money in a Christmas card. Let me say this - we have asked NO ONE for any help at all! Our God has known our needs and supplied them! 

I did need faith to make it through 2013, more than I've ever needed before. And though my life may look bad to others, it is looking more beautiful than ever to me. When Ronnie quit his job, the old hymn ran through my mind, "God will take care of you/through everything or all the way/He will take care of you/God will take care of you."  Yes, He will, if you have the faith to let him.

One of my favorite sermons by my husband: Faithfulness 

Remembering

Tonight I went to the funeral home for the viewing of a school friend. I had been Ronnie's neighbor for all of our lives and we had attended the same schools all the way to graduation.

When we were 2 or 3, Ronnie's family was in a car accident that left him a paraplegic. But, as I was telling my mom tonight, we never paid attention to the wheelchair. Ronnie's personality was bigger than what we saw when we looked at him. He was nice, friendly, funny and always upbeat. I know he had hard days and probably had more to complain about than most of us, but I don't remember him using his different abilities to gain sympathy. He was just one of the kids.

In high school I decided to pursue a career in the health field and took some of the classes related to that. Ronnie was in those classes with me because he wanted to be a doctor. I always thought that was an awesome goal. Like me, his goals changed and he had been pursuing a degree in information systems. He didn't let his disability affect what he wanted to do with his life and I find that admirable.

More recently, Ronnie had fought cancer. He had a bone marrow transplant and seemed to be doing well. Then all of a sudden, he had complications from pneumonia and he passed.

Seeing someone your age, that you grew up with, in a casket is hard to take in. It's a big reminder that we should live each day as though it's our last. We should tell those that we love what they mean to us. Live your life with meaning. Make others smile. Live so that others will say that you were an inspiration, just as I heard so many say about Ronnie tonight.

Enjoying the Small Things

Some small things I've been enjoying:

-seeing Melia's smiles and hearing her giggles
-Ezra's bubble booty in big boy underwear
-Elijah saying "dang" at random points in a conversation
-hearing Ethan perfectly spell his spelling words
-snuggling with Melia when she wakes up in the middle of the night to eat (and we sleep together the rest of the night)
-Ezra talking like crazy and us being able to understand him (the clarity came overnight!)
-Elijah helping me out in the kitchen
-alone time with Ethan when he's getting ready and waiting on the bus in the mornings
-the way Elijah and Ezra run to Ethan with their arms stretched way out for hugs when Ethan gets off the bus
-the way all three boys love on their sister (she often has snot in her hair from kisses, I worry about her being squished from tight hugs, she is picked up at the slightest sound of a whimper, Ezra helps push the swing when she's in it, Elijah "babysits" when I need a free minute, and Ethan calms her down almost as well as I do)
-the sound of the boys playing
-listening to Ethan read scripture from his Bible
-watching Elijah become more big boy than toddler
-seeing what mischief Ezra can get into (I seriously need a lock for the fridge and pantry!)
-Ronnie's hugs when he gets home on Thursdays
-the security I feel when Ronnie is home
-all Melia's tiny little features (she's growing too fast already!)
-that I'm doing more photography these days
-researching/trying to decide what job path I want to take
-hearing the kids singing in the car
-Ronnie wrestling the boys and then being so easy with Melia
-the way Ronnie loves us and provides for us

Life is so good! I am so blessed! Praise the Lord!