I've debated on writing about this or not, but decided to go ahead because I have to get all these thoughts out of my head! Do you ever feel like that? Or I am just crazy?
I must preface this by saying that I love my children immensely and love spending time with them. I feel super guilty when I'm not with them and try my best to parent them to the best of my abilities.
It's been 15 months since I walked out of NMHS for the last time. I had three boys and had recently found out I was pregnant with Melia. I was burned out on teaching. I was stressed, tired, and needed to be home for my kids rather then give all I had to everyone else's children. My husband had a decent job, but was out of town four days each week and we felt that they needed more time with me since they didn't get to see him much. I was tired of my children being raised by other people.
I had felt God's pull to be a stay at home mom for a long while, and I finally had enough faith to listen. It wasn't easy; it was really scary. I worried, but I knew that if God asked me to do something, He would provide. I've tried my best to remember this, but I' struggling.
When Ronnie quit his job last year, we made it through by God's grace. There's no other way to put it. If God had not orchestrated the events that occurred in our lives, I don't know where we'd be living, what we'd be driving or what we'd be eating and wearing. God has blessed us and taken care of all of our needs and I'm so very grateful!
Since Ronnie began his new job he's been home every night, which is awesome, but he took a 25-30% pay cut. With a threadbare budget beforehand, this hasn't been easy. We've made all the cuts that we can.
As a result of the past year, I started looking for a job. I've applied to so many positions that I've lost count. I haven't gotten one single phone call. I get the follow up letter or email that tells me they hired someone else. After so many rejections, I decided to go back to school. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do for awhile, but eventually settled on Global Logistics. The local community college offers the program so I asked for more information about it, more than once. I'm still waiting to hear from those people. I found out a community college 3.5 hours from here offers the program completely online. I applied, got accepted and started talking with my adviser. It was then that I found out the admissions person wasn't helping me as well as I thought she was. I have a BA and she was only giving me credit for two classes. Two. I know all of my education and Spanish classes won't count for diddly at the community college level and that's fine, but she was being rude and trying to make me feel like an idiot. I've dealt with 2 universities and I'm not about to take crap from someone at a community college when I know that more than two of my gen ed classes are sufficient for required classes for a two year diploma. I don't need that kind of stress in my life so I deleted all of our correspondence and decided to stop pursuing that option.
So here I am. Stuck. I was raised to work and do my best. But I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm not doing very well at the whole stay at home thing. I feel like I'm not contributing to our family. I feel like all of our financial problems are my fault. I feel so guilty about quitting my job. But then I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be. I believe that God will take care of us. But I'm struggling. I don't know what to do. I know that even while things are okay right now, in a couple of months they may not be. I don't want to lose our house or have to move. I don't want to have to pinch every little penny or make sure I'm not wasting anything. I kind of feel guilty for admitting that, but I'm just being real.
I know that God has a plan and that all things will work for good, but sometimes it would be nice to know what's coming my way so I don't have to stress about it. Am I going to get a great job offer? Is Ronnie going to get a big fat raise? Is there going to be something changing in our ministry? I'd really like to know! *Rereading this, I know I don't "have" to stress about it, but sometimes it's hard not too.
So, if you read this, please say a prayer for me, for us. Pray that God will continue to show His love to us, that we'll do His will, that God will reveal to me what I need to be doing with my life. Thank you so much.
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