Saturday, December 31, 2011

Dropping the Ball - In More Ways Than One

It's New Year's Eve. The ball will drop in Times Square tonight. People are celebrating all that took place in 2011 and looking forward to the unknown of 2012. I used to love the anticipation of a new year, never knowing where I may end up in the next 365 days. But these days I'm just not feeling it. I've always used this blog to share the happy things in life, but I guess that's the reason I haven't updated lately...I'm not feeling too great most days.

I feel like I'm dropping every ball that I'm supposed to be juggling. Being a mom means there are several balls: laundry, cooking, cleaning, playing, teaching, mothering. That's exhausting enough, but I also have a full-time job in which I pretty much mother 80 other children through the day. Since Ezra's been born I feel like so many of my balls have fallen that I don't know that I'll ever see the days when I can juggle successfully again. I'm not blaming Ezra for my shortcomings, but I've been off since we brought him home. Having three kids is a lot. It has gotten so bad that most nights I'm washing clothes for the next day, I have to wash dishes in order to eat, several nights our meals leave much to be desired (if I can even muster the energy to cook), and I don't play nearly as much as I used to. I usually don't let my problems affect me at work, but this year has been the most difficult I've had as a teacher. More often than not I would rather not be around people so dealing with 20-30 teens at a time makes me shut down. I hate giving worksheets, but that has been my style the past few weeks. These days the job of pretending to be the happy person I once was has gotten to be too much to handle. I wish I could be that person without pretending.

Last night it hit me that I really don't have any true, know all about me and I know all about you friends like I used to. I've put the past six and a half years into Ronnie being my main squeeze that I've dropped the friendship ball with all of my former friends. The saddest realization last night was that the closest girlfriend that I've had has been in Heaven for almost four years. I still catch myself wanting to give her a call or send her an email to get advice, see how she's doing and just chit chat like we used to. But then I remember I can't. She truly understood me. On the other hand, I find it almost impossible to make new friends. I'm friendly and all (I think), but I'm not sure I'm capable of being a true friend to anyone anymore. Most of the time I just get irritated about things (things that Ronnie tells me should be non-issues) and block people off. Maybe I can work on that next year...

So I don't know what the point of my little sob story was. I just needed to get it off my chest. I have no one else that I talk to so my little blog gets it all. For me it's easier to write it all out than to talk about it anyways. Hopefully I'll feel up to juggling sometime soon.

The highlights of 2011 (at least the ones I remember)

In January Ethan turned 4 and Elijah turned 1. They each had fun parties even though Elijah's had to be postponed due to him having RSV on the scheduled day. Speaking of Elijah being sick, he ended up having several ear infections and was constantly on medications until spring came. We found out that our third child would be a boy. We welcomed our Ezra to the family. We went camping in Virginia with Uncle B and Daniela. Ronnie and I went on a real date...the first in years. My brain's too tired to think of any more right now....