Monday, January 2, 2012

A New Year

I rang in the new year sleeping in my bed with my arms wrapped around Elijah, Ethan laying beside him and Ezra in the bassinet on my other side. It was nice.

I was supposed to be at church for our New Year's service. I had been there. But I left. Why? I snapped. Ronnie had left before me while I was waiting on my pie to finish. It didn't matter that I was late as it was a "come when you can, leave when you have to" kind of deal. So I waited on the pie and loaded up all three boys and what seemed like a suitcase full of toys to hopefully entertain them through the night. We got to church and tried not to make too much noise as we settled in. Everything was fine for a little bit. Then Elijah got restless and started moving around. Then Ezra got fussy. I took him out, calmed him down and went back. Then Elijah was really moving around, like to different parts of the church, and not staying at either place very long. When he got close enough I grabbed him and took him out. While I was with him I could hear Ezra screaming inside with my sister-in-law. We went back in and Elijah started whining/screaming again and Ezra only got louder. I had had all that I could take. I felt like everything was closing in on me, it was getting harder to breathe, I felt that their cries were getting louder and all the eyes that I believed were focusing on me. In my mind everyone was criticizing me; thoughts of "she can't handle those kids," and "if she would shut those kids up we could enjoy the service," raced through my head. It seemed like it took me forever to get three coats on three crying, wiggling bodies and I could make my getaway. We got out and started home. My anger and irritation eased on the short drive home and I was glad to be home snuggled with the boys. But I was upset that I had lost it in front of others.

I've "lost it" several times at home, but I had lost it in front of other people. Ronnie knows what I'm like and what I go through, but I tend to think that I put forward a good face to others. Not that I pretend to be something I'm not; I just don't want to drag other people down or complain when there's nothing that those people can do. No matter how bad I feel I try to be a pleasant person to be around.

Episodes like the one I described have been happening a lot for me. I get irritated easily. I get very angry real quickly. I cry for no reason. I have intrusive thoughts that I don't like. I don't like being alone, but I don't want to be social. All of this has made it difficult to live my normal life. Because of these things I have created problems in my relationship with Ronnie. Almost to the point that I was ready to leave him and I have always been the type that refuses to believe that divorce is even an option. I've had problems with going to work because I don't want to be responsible for myself, let alone the education of my students, and I didn't want to leave my kids for fear of what could happen while we were separated.

I've said all of this to say that after serious discussion Ronnie and I have decided that I need to see a doctor. We feel that I probably have postpartum depression. I don't like to say that, but it just seems like that's the problem that I'm having. I've done some research and I really want to get better so we're going to see what can be done. According to there are six stages to PPD. I've gone through 1-4, denial, anger, bargaining and depression (sometimes I regress back to them) and right now feel that I'm in stage 5 - Acceptance. I get that there is something wrong with me and I want it fixed. I want to be the wife, mother, friend that I know I am.

It's a new year and I want to be me. A new me than I've been the last few months. I want 2012 to be a great year; not a year where I am angry and unsociable. I want to enjoy the time that God has given me to be with my family and not wish it away. I want to be happy.

Happy New Year.

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